Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
