you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
