I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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