she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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