I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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