no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
