Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
