When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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