Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
