After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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