I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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