Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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