I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Randomize
