the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
