Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
