shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
