there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
