Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
