I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
