this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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