My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
