sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
