My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
