I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
