Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
