Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
