I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I need moral support for this bender
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
