It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
whose ass print is on the piano?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
