yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
