my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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