I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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