I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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