Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
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