I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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