Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
