You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
