and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
