I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
And my parents said I crawled through the house
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
