im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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