One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
