Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
