you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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