can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
