I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
