my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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