...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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