Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
did you just send me my own nude
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
