Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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