Christians are straight up FREAKS
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
