dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
