Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
