Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
