She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
