I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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