the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
