Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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