Whod you bang
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
