he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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