i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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